Discernment Week: 1

Hello guys!! It's Saturday now and with that being said I have completed my 1st week.

Conclusion after this first week is that spiritually I feel closer to him and more at peace., mentally I feel distraught, physically I am actually drained.

So what did I do? I prayed and prayed.. A lot. Not the usual asking from God kind, but the more meditation kind. I went for my first confession in 9 years :s and I attend daily mass once. Spoke to my Spiritual Director and Fr Alberto from the Society of Jesus, Religious Order/ or more commonly known as Jesuits.

They helped me to put a lot of my thoughts to rest but now the question still remains. "Can I give up everything and follow Christ?"

I know I can leave most worldly pleasure behind, I mean money.. I've been without it, material possessions I have lived to regret most of my purchases. The only thing or more like only person I cannot let go of is Her. Every night before I sleep I still cry, My bed feels empty, I feel empty. Perhaps its a sacrifice I have to make and live with the consequences, but I don't know if I can.

I mean sacrifices hurt, there is no sacrifice that doesn't but It's really eating me up inside.

Ok now I'm all sad and thinking about Her again, I shall excuse myself to go and pray now. It really soothes the soul. Try it one day, you'll never know.

What would your answer be? If this was posed directly at you?

Discernment Day 4 & 5

Well nothing much to write about these past two days.. Went to talk to my priest yesterday and received spiritual guidance. Though a few things to notice is that every time I am in church I feel a calm.. My thoughts no longer flutter from thing issue to another and I can focus better on what I want..

And of course the feeling of regret I have towards my relationship. I love her so much and when I think of her it hurts, the times we spent together, talking, travelling, When she came over in the morning of our anniversary, The time we spent getting to know each other, Hundreds of text messages, hours of phone calls.. to the time I walked barefooted because her shoes heels broke. I really miss those times.. I know we're still friend but things are different.. A very huge part of me feels like turning back time. but I can't.. perhaps I should just call her and tell her it was all a mistake.. I don't know.. maybe I should.. Maybe I shouldn't..

But in all hindsight, now I get to really focus on what I want and what He wants of me. Is it marriage, priesthood, or single life. I'll take this as one of his trials.

Discernment: Day 3

Well here we are now.. Day 3 of my discernment. I didn't update yesterday but I'm sure you will agree my reasons are valid. But before we proceed to today let me just update on yesterday.

Woke up in the morning and met up with Her. We talked and she knew things were troubling me. and we decided to go our separate ways. Yes we broke up. It sucks it really does. To think 3years together the best 3 years of my life are now over.. and in just a moment.

So I went home, prayed, and asked for comfort, He answered. He gave me comfort my fellow aspirant called me and we talked, I pour my heart out and than we carried on with what we needed to do.

Day went on as usual and I was listening to music. It really helps get your mind off things.

So one particular song really stuck to me and I would like to share it with you guys.

It's called Strong Enough by Matthew West. Lyrics are as follows:

"Strong Enough"

You must
You must think I'm strong
To give me what I'm going through

Well, forgive me
Forgive me if I'm wrong
But this looks like more than I can do
On my own

I know I'm not strong enough to be
everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not stong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
For the both of us

Well, maybe
Maybe that's the point
To reach the point of giving up

Cause when I'm finally
Finally at rock bottom
Well, that's when I start looking up
And reaching out

I know I'm not strong enough to be
Everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not stong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough

Cause I'm broken
Down to nothing
But I'm still holding on to the one thing
You are God
and you are strong
When I am weak

I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength
And I don't have to be
Strong enough
Strong enough

I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength
And I don't have to be
Strong enough
Strong enough

Oh, yeah

I know I'm not strong enough to be
Everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not stong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
Strong enough

And the video link is here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A8JsRxVczmQ

Discernment: Day 1

So.. The camp concluded and here I am.. I have decided to pursue this further and see where I takes me. I need to know.. I need to put my heart at rest.. Is this the calling of my life? Is this it? It's going to be a long.. though journey ahead.. I will try to update this blog as much as possible.. but I guess there nothing much to write until I make my decision.. Though it would be good if people could share their opinions on how I should tackle this..

The concluding words of the camp.. What Fr Christopher said to me is what I will hold.. "He said I died for you Adrian, now he is asking will you do the same for me?"

and also "You know the message, I will pray for you".

Those are what I will remember and what I am working on now.. Can I? How? What am I to do? So many questions. I know I want it.. Deep down I know but afterall I am human.. and I also know that I am in love.. It's difficult you know..

I feel.. torn.. how? how can a man choose between God and Human Love.. It may sound trivial but priesthood is no joke. 3 vows that separates priest from others.. Chastity,Obedience to the Pope and Bishop, Poverty.

Can you do it? Just leave everything and pick up that cross??  I love my partner too bits.. I can't imagine life without her.. but at the same time... I love God and my Souls yearning is clear.. What should I do.. I am soo confused.. Lost.. I feel betrayed and the same time loved..

I think I am going back to meditate.. Do what St John Viani did.. Sit in from of the Tabernacle, look at it and say "I see you,You see me" and just wait.. wait for something and answer.. He has spoken to me before.. Through my heart and I know he will again.. Maybe not now.. But he will..

I don't think I will post anymore today.. I may switch to night updates where my day has concluded.. It all depends on my mood..

The Beginning cont.

Now.. where was I?... Ah yes.. Apparition,personal revolution, and.. acting upon it.. yes.. I've got it!!

So.. I went to speak to my parents about it.. told them everything and told me to talk to my Parish Priest.. DUH!!!

I went to see Fr. Simon but he was busy, so I spoke to Fr. Augustine instead. He just told me to pray.. and look in to doing ministries.. etc..

I joined the RCIA ministry in 2013. I was a wonderful experience to meet new people and educate them about the faith.. I didn't think I made an impact of anything though but my table member I was a facilitator, His name is Sean, called me before the last session, he said it would mean a lot if I could come(I was busy preparing for a competition so I didn't come for the final month). It was at that moment it hit me.. I can connect with others.. People who are much older than me. I seeked knowledge and listened to my advice.

But again I let myself get caught up in life.. I just mixed things up.. jumping through space and time.. well anyways.. I joined RCIA.. let life get ahead of me.. I still prayed for my discernment ebt not frequent and at times I started planning other things.. I have such an amazing partner who I've been with for 3 years.. we fight but we always pull through.. and shes always supported me in everything I do.. even though I know sometimes it's killing her inside.. I LOVE YOU HALEY!!! XOXO  I haven't told her yet about this yet.. as this is a very very big decision for me and I sure as hell do not want to jump in/out of anything for no appropriate reason.. He will provide and show the way.. He always has.. So yeah I started planning things.. a life ahead with her.. and in the mean time I prayed occasionally..

Time passed and until recently I haven't done anything to cultivate or really resolve my vocational dilemma . but on 2 separate occasions.. set only 1-2weeks apart I received more signs.. clearer signs..

1st) Sunday Morning Mass few weeks back.. I normally go for the 6.45am mass and well lets just say I was in for a treat.. That very morning in church This lovely lady, she's a special needs individual, but really big hearted and kind.. handed me a bulletin. She has never done that ever but she did this time.. and when I turn the bulletin open I read something.. Vocational Discernment Retreat to be held on the 4th-5th of July..
I thought about it at first but decided not yet.. Let try out my studies and see where that takes me..

2nd) Final RCIA meeting. I met the Priest to be Deacon Anthony, He used to journey with the RCIA a few years back as a brother and he was quite close to my family. I he was about to be ordained as a Priest on the 6th of June.. I talked to him and I wished him well.. I apologized for not being able to come for his special day.. and he said this to me.. Not jokingly.. it was very serious in fact.. "Don't worry, I will be there for yours".

MINDFUCK!!!! how did he know?? My priest couldn't have told him.. What ever I discussed is P&C up till now..

So yeah.. after that I decided to sign up for the Retreat.. you never know right? I had nothing to lose so to speak..

The retreat was this weekend and well. It answered the question on "Does the Lord want me?" but opened new ones, such as "Do I want to accept this cup" "Am I capable of the sacrifice?" "Can I put the needs of others before mine"

So here we are now.. On the Journey of a lifetime.. And my special experience I would like to share with everyone.

The beginning

So.. It all started when I was 15 years of age.. A young boy doubting his faith and on his confirmation journey.. It was on Good Friday to be exact during the 3pm Mass around the Eucharist part of the Mass.

I was sitting on the pew, thinking to myself or perhaps asking/challenging him.. "Why would you do this for us.. What motive and to what end? 2000 years down the road and I would still be here today.. Maybe not a Christian but definitely in existence"(I've got issues) so that was that..

The mass proceeded and I received the host(the bread that Catholics take during Holy Communion. not gonna touch on this but perhaps one day I might.. who knows??)  I went back to my seat and closed my eyes.. I opened my eyes and happened to glance at a candle on the altar.. I looked at the flame and I saw something. I made it out to be a figure, but I couldn't tell for sure.. At that instant something spoke to me.. It wasn't a voice.. no.. It wasn't a feeling.. It came from inside.. Comfort.. Warmth.. and I knew the answer to the question earlier.. "I did it for you" that was the very words I felt.. and it hit me.. it hit me hard.. I broke down.. I felt soooo fucking foolish for doubting.. I felt sad, overwhelmed.. I don't know.. Happy at the same time..

Anyways, life went on and eventually I buried that memory.. Forgot about it.. or so I thought.. I did get sparks for time to time.. When I hear certain words from the Gospel. "Come follow me" or when they do the vocational promotion and show a video. This scene is from a video called Fishers of Men.. If you're interested feel free browse YouTube for it.(Too lazy to include links) There was a car accident and a teen was lying on the road.. A crowd was gathered and  there was a traffic jam. In the midst of everything there was a priest. He saw the boy and immediately grabbed his Bible and his Stole (a scarf that priestly men have)  and rushed to the side of the poor boy. He performed last rights and set the boy to rest.. There was a line the captured me.. I felt it and I wanted it.. "To be able to bring souls home".. Such power I felt in those words.. But again like always I dismissed it and carrier on with my life..

Fast Forward x2 >>

I went to a flying Academy, Graduated, Spent a year looking for Airline, failed, Worked odd jobs,Got depressed,also went to prison(Drug Abuse, lets leave it at that),almost went bankrupt,lost faith,found hope, went back to/currently pursue/ing a diploma in Automotive Engineering at IUKL(another story.. fun times.. still loving it).


So now.. Backtrack slightly to "found hope" how did I find hope?

I prayed.. yes after years of not praying.. I prayed.. (Don't judge, for you will be judged) It was at SJMC during the appearance of particles on a window resembling that of Our Blessed Mother(Now housed in Klang, window pane and all) I was praying with the crowd after getting and inclination to go the.. yes.. I got a feeling that I needed to be there and I went.. and yes I am that impulsive.. and than I received something.. a personal revelation.. A vision of Jesus.. Looking down at me.. Welcoming me.. I felt it in my heart again.. the same feeling I had back than.. after.. lemme see 2012-2005= 7 years of suppressing it.. that memory I remembered and I cried.. Again I had doubted him.. and again he forgave and accepted me.. This time however.. I knew I had to do something.

AAAAANNNNNDDDDDD We shall save this for another time.. XD that is unless I still can't sleep... Been up all night now.. close to 48 hours.. @.@

Introduction

So my names Adrian Choo. Born Buddhist, baptized age 4 and been living a normal life.. Up till now.

The reason why I'm here?? To share in my life experiences, a little on my past, more towards my present.

Basically I don't really care if anyone reads this but it's more of a letter to myself, or a public diary for me to refer too when needed.

I currently am going through one of the toughest times of my life right now. Something that not many and yet at the same time many people like me are caught in. My story though not identical is thiers. A little piece of heaven so to speak. The journey to religious life ie. if you haven't have guessed yet. "Priesthood".

So that's it I guess.. My next post will be about my past and events leading to my current dilemma or what we Catholics call "signs" "calling" "glimpses" "sparks"